Kevin and Pat Williams of the Minnesota Vikings are getting suspended 4 games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Specifically, they took a supplement that included Bumetanide, a banned diuretic which could be used to mask steroids. Unfortunately for them, the substance wasn't listed on the bottle. The NFL doesn't want to budge on this issue, which is ridiculous. These guys weren't taking something to mask their steroid use, they didn't know the banned substance was even one of the ingredients. If they weren't aware they were taking something illegal, it's not rocket science to figure out they probably weren't taking it to mask steroid use.
FYI, they also tested negative for steroids.
Hmm. Sounds like the NFL realizes their policy has some major holes in it, and instead of fixing the problem, they would rather go down with the ship and take some innocent players with them. Not to mention the first place Vikings, vying for a playoff spot and needing their best DT and DL.
Not only is the steroid policy in need of an overhaul, NFL suspension policy in general could use a major makeover. Take, for instance, the following excerpt from the ESPN article on the Williamses' suspensions:
"On a personal level, it [stinks] for them. I know what they're going through," said defensive end Jared Allen, who served a two-game suspension last season in Kansas City after multiple DUI arrests. "That's why we're with them. We've got their back 100 percent."
Wait, what? This guy got a 2 game suspension after multiple DUI arrests? In the words of Amy Poehler: Seriously NFL, are you serious? So let me get this straight; you can drive drunk multiple times and get a suspension reduced to 2 games, but if you take a banned diuretic that you didn't even know existed to "mask" something you aren't even doing, you qualify for a 4 game suspension? You can read a little more about Mr. Allen and his DUI issues here.
Oh yeah, makes perfect sense.
And excuse me, but I can't think Jared Allen knows what they're going through. Allen is an alcoholic who hasn't been able to stop himself from driving drunk. Pat and Kevin Williams are guys who take weight loss supplements. Somehow, one seems worse than the other. According to the NFL, that would be the weight loss supplements.
Way to set an example.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Who's got next?
Who replaces the 'Ham at UW? My personal belief is that we should be recruiting SEC coaches Tuberville and Fulmer, especially as Fulmer doesn't have a job at Tennessee anymore. They both have proven track records winning and recruiting, a couple of things sorely lacking up here in the PaciNoW.
I've never been sold on this Mora business, because I don't feel that one successful year with the Falcons makes a wunderkind, and it seems that everyone's riding his hype trike since he's from the area. Yeah? I'm from the area too. Though I didn't play for the Huskies I attended school there, and could certainly do no worse than 0-12. Get on board, people, I announce my candidacy. Perhaps I could be a coordinator under what would be his underwhelming reign. Yeehaw.
Here's an interesting article on someone I've never heard of, Cal Poly’s Rich Ellerson. Worth a thought, but I don't see it happening.
I'm much more excited about the reports of Mike Leach touring the facilities over the past weekend. Good God, an actual successful coach, who's been competing against the likes of Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, OK state, Mizzou and Nebraska? Not just on the field, but in the recruiting game as well? If it were possible to salivate over coaching prospects, I would be. I hope this is the case, and Em-Ward can throw some decent money at him, because I've already bought my ticket on the Leach train, and I'd hate to be left standing on the platform if the Mora express takes off.
I've never been sold on this Mora business, because I don't feel that one successful year with the Falcons makes a wunderkind, and it seems that everyone's riding his hype trike since he's from the area. Yeah? I'm from the area too. Though I didn't play for the Huskies I attended school there, and could certainly do no worse than 0-12. Get on board, people, I announce my candidacy. Perhaps I could be a coordinator under what would be his underwhelming reign. Yeehaw.
Here's an interesting article on someone I've never heard of, Cal Poly’s Rich Ellerson. Worth a thought, but I don't see it happening.
I'm much more excited about the reports of Mike Leach touring the facilities over the past weekend. Good God, an actual successful coach, who's been competing against the likes of Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, OK state, Mizzou and Nebraska? Not just on the field, but in the recruiting game as well? If it were possible to salivate over coaching prospects, I would be. I hope this is the case, and Em-Ward can throw some decent money at him, because I've already bought my ticket on the Leach train, and I'd hate to be left standing on the platform if the Mora express takes off.
Dreaming about men doing things
A quick note on my fantasy football views, for all those interested. This year being my first in a fantasy league (Yahoo, which sucks balls), and while I've enjoyed my time, I've learned a few things.
Firstly, I care way too much about individual stats, opposing defenses, and whether or not a star player is getting along with his teammates in the locker room. All of this adds up to either wins or losses in the fantasy column, and highs or lows in the attitude column. Whereas I used to only be sad/depressed/disgusted when the Seahawks lost, I can now feel all of these things towards each and every individual player on my team when they don't perform, and compound the feeling if I lose my matchup because of this.
Secondly, I've discovered that I care a whole lot more about other football games. Before, they were just entertaining and another team only mattered if they were in the Seahawks' division. Now, I'm invested in every team I have a player on, making Sundays exponentially more exciting. Yes, I said exponentially.
Thirdly, I've tapped into the camaraderie shared by fantasy football (herein referred to as FF) players everywhere. Two out of three ain't bad.
An ESPN columnist wrote not long ago that he's certain FF has an infinitely more negative downside than positive, due to the fact that instead of rooting for just one team to win, you're focused on multiple players, increasing the variables and, for the glass half empty crowd, chances to lose. Add to the fact these variables increase one's difficulty in winning the league (you have a 1 in 8, 12, 0r 16 chance, whereas in the NFL your team has a 1 in 4 chance of winning the division, unless you're the Lions), and the frustration factor starts to climb onto the roof.
From this perspective, FF really isn't that sensible. I've been way too angry towards Favre, Moss, and Gore when they haven't performed this year, and conversely, pretty darn happy about Favre, Moss and Gore when they have. This brings up another point: Streaky, hit or miss kinds of players can wreak havoc on your sanity. Their upside is unlimited, but when they continually under perform, especially against statistically inferior teams, it's no-end-in-sight frustrating.
It also makes every week, every possession, way more meaningful than it's ever been. When you need someone's stats to pull ahead of your opponent, it's all about getting one specific player the ball, which is ridiculous for the overall strategy of a team game. You're basically rooting for something that is directly contradictory to winning, and therefore destined to be inherently maddening. It doesn't make sense, unless of course you like to gamble.
Conversely, if you're a positive thinker, there are just as many opportunities for things to go well. However, because life and football have conditioned us to expect to lose, most people will lean towards the negative in regards to FF. As I've had a few amazing last minute victories and am 1 win away from getting into the playoffs, I'm trying to stay positive. If, however, I were in last place I'm not so sure I would feel this way.
FF also has an ability to make someone certifiably crazy. People always harp on athletes for praising God for a win, or praying to beat someone. After 13 weeks in FF, I now know what this is like, and will never, EVER, make fun of an athlete with infinitely more on the line for praying in the closing minutes of a game. Last night I basically prayed for Steve Slaton to pull down 30 fantasy points, which I needed for a come from behind win. I didn't literally mouth the words to the great I Am, but I wished for it just as much as if I had actually written God a letter. And what happened? Slaton rolled to 30.2 points and I won to keep my playoff hopes alive. This isn't the first time this has happened, either.
And finally, now that I've come off as someone who lives in a padded room, I'll try to temper that by saying the best part of FF isn't the winning, it's the camaraderie. Or at least, it should be. In my league, I only know a couple of the guys, and no one trash talks, no one offers trades, no one rants about things, it's kind of lame. I was hoping for a lot more emailing back and forth, a bonding over numbers, if you will. Instead, it's allowed me to share the highs and lows with the guys I actually watch football with. What a concept. We might not be in the same league, but we're all going through the same emotions, sometimes with the same players. It adds to the fun, the suspense, the overall satisfaction I get from watching a game knowing we're all in the same metaphorical boat together. When Favre threw 6 touchdowns a few weeks back, I was sharing some overly joyous high fives with a buddy who also started him. And I really, REALLY don't care that much about Favre. In fact, he kind of annoys me.
So no matter what happens to me in my make-or-break head-to-head next week, I'll be signing up for FF next year. Perhaps even multiple leagues, if I have the time. But definitely not Yahoo.
Firstly, I care way too much about individual stats, opposing defenses, and whether or not a star player is getting along with his teammates in the locker room. All of this adds up to either wins or losses in the fantasy column, and highs or lows in the attitude column. Whereas I used to only be sad/depressed/disgusted when the Seahawks lost, I can now feel all of these things towards each and every individual player on my team when they don't perform, and compound the feeling if I lose my matchup because of this.
Secondly, I've discovered that I care a whole lot more about other football games. Before, they were just entertaining and another team only mattered if they were in the Seahawks' division. Now, I'm invested in every team I have a player on, making Sundays exponentially more exciting. Yes, I said exponentially.
Thirdly, I've tapped into the camaraderie shared by fantasy football (herein referred to as FF) players everywhere. Two out of three ain't bad.
An ESPN columnist wrote not long ago that he's certain FF has an infinitely more negative downside than positive, due to the fact that instead of rooting for just one team to win, you're focused on multiple players, increasing the variables and, for the glass half empty crowd, chances to lose. Add to the fact these variables increase one's difficulty in winning the league (you have a 1 in 8, 12, 0r 16 chance, whereas in the NFL your team has a 1 in 4 chance of winning the division, unless you're the Lions), and the frustration factor starts to climb onto the roof.
From this perspective, FF really isn't that sensible. I've been way too angry towards Favre, Moss, and Gore when they haven't performed this year, and conversely, pretty darn happy about Favre, Moss and Gore when they have. This brings up another point: Streaky, hit or miss kinds of players can wreak havoc on your sanity. Their upside is unlimited, but when they continually under perform, especially against statistically inferior teams, it's no-end-in-sight frustrating.
It also makes every week, every possession, way more meaningful than it's ever been. When you need someone's stats to pull ahead of your opponent, it's all about getting one specific player the ball, which is ridiculous for the overall strategy of a team game. You're basically rooting for something that is directly contradictory to winning, and therefore destined to be inherently maddening. It doesn't make sense, unless of course you like to gamble.
Conversely, if you're a positive thinker, there are just as many opportunities for things to go well. However, because life and football have conditioned us to expect to lose, most people will lean towards the negative in regards to FF. As I've had a few amazing last minute victories and am 1 win away from getting into the playoffs, I'm trying to stay positive. If, however, I were in last place I'm not so sure I would feel this way.
FF also has an ability to make someone certifiably crazy. People always harp on athletes for praising God for a win, or praying to beat someone. After 13 weeks in FF, I now know what this is like, and will never, EVER, make fun of an athlete with infinitely more on the line for praying in the closing minutes of a game. Last night I basically prayed for Steve Slaton to pull down 30 fantasy points, which I needed for a come from behind win. I didn't literally mouth the words to the great I Am, but I wished for it just as much as if I had actually written God a letter. And what happened? Slaton rolled to 30.2 points and I won to keep my playoff hopes alive. This isn't the first time this has happened, either.
And finally, now that I've come off as someone who lives in a padded room, I'll try to temper that by saying the best part of FF isn't the winning, it's the camaraderie. Or at least, it should be. In my league, I only know a couple of the guys, and no one trash talks, no one offers trades, no one rants about things, it's kind of lame. I was hoping for a lot more emailing back and forth, a bonding over numbers, if you will. Instead, it's allowed me to share the highs and lows with the guys I actually watch football with. What a concept. We might not be in the same league, but we're all going through the same emotions, sometimes with the same players. It adds to the fun, the suspense, the overall satisfaction I get from watching a game knowing we're all in the same metaphorical boat together. When Favre threw 6 touchdowns a few weeks back, I was sharing some overly joyous high fives with a buddy who also started him. And I really, REALLY don't care that much about Favre. In fact, he kind of annoys me.
So no matter what happens to me in my make-or-break head-to-head next week, I'll be signing up for FF next year. Perhaps even multiple leagues, if I have the time. But definitely not Yahoo.
Monday, December 1, 2008
My thoughts exactly
Let me begin by saying, I hate the cougars. Hate them. I can not understand Husky "fans" who say they root for the cougs as long as they're not playing UW. WSU fans would never say this. Coug fans seem to be more rabid because A: There is NOTHING in Pullman but cow turds and cougar football, for a long time these being synonomous, this year especially, and B: They have always been the underdog, and the underdog's fans, while usually destitute of hope, are fanatics in regards to their team. There is at least one bar in Pullman I've read about where Husky fans are not allowed in. You will never experience this in Seattle.
I won't go into the ways Husky fans seemed to be out-rooted often times by cougs. It's enough to say we've always looked down on them, and for good reason. I detest them because they exist. I, who recently have been trying to mature, emotionally and otherwise, and grow out of such childish reactions caused by wins and losses, still can't hardly type or utter the "c" word because I hate them so much. I'm serious.
I have an immediate negative gut reaction for every bumper sticker, hitch ornament, window logo, car flag, license plate holder, jacket, or hat I see with the red university lettering. I can't stand it. I'm trying to be a better person, more thankful and aware, wishing blessings on people instead of curses, but I am a neanderthal when it comes to wsu. I don't even want to type the letters in upper-case. I'm sure this will sully my reputation with both of the people who read this blog, but it is what it is.
So understanding this, I am presenting the following video, which was put together by a coug, as one of the best things I've ever seen regarding my feelings on Husky football over the recent past. The irony is not lost on me, people. This reinterpretation of 2004 German film "Der Untergang" is downright brilliant, because IT'S EXACTLY HOW I FELT AFTER THIS YEAR'S APPLE CUP. The fact that it stars Hitler as a Husky fan is a testament to just how far we've, and I as a fan , have fallen. This entire scene played out in my mind as I sat there in the Ram bar alone, after my demonstrative reactions caused everyone around me (both Huskies & cougs) to bolt following the final outcome.
As for my attitude towards the cougs, I at this junction in my life, am not sorry. At some point you have to stand for something, and by god, if it's only for your team, then so be it. Whatever I become in life, I will die a Husky, and I will hate the cougs. Perhaps that's what it should read on my epitaph:
He lived and died a Husky, in spirit bold and brave, and will forever hate the cougers, even from the grave.
I won't go into the ways Husky fans seemed to be out-rooted often times by cougs. It's enough to say we've always looked down on them, and for good reason. I detest them because they exist. I, who recently have been trying to mature, emotionally and otherwise, and grow out of such childish reactions caused by wins and losses, still can't hardly type or utter the "c" word because I hate them so much. I'm serious.
I have an immediate negative gut reaction for every bumper sticker, hitch ornament, window logo, car flag, license plate holder, jacket, or hat I see with the red university lettering. I can't stand it. I'm trying to be a better person, more thankful and aware, wishing blessings on people instead of curses, but I am a neanderthal when it comes to wsu. I don't even want to type the letters in upper-case. I'm sure this will sully my reputation with both of the people who read this blog, but it is what it is.
So understanding this, I am presenting the following video, which was put together by a coug, as one of the best things I've ever seen regarding my feelings on Husky football over the recent past. The irony is not lost on me, people. This reinterpretation of 2004 German film "Der Untergang" is downright brilliant, because IT'S EXACTLY HOW I FELT AFTER THIS YEAR'S APPLE CUP. The fact that it stars Hitler as a Husky fan is a testament to just how far we've, and I as a fan , have fallen. This entire scene played out in my mind as I sat there in the Ram bar alone, after my demonstrative reactions caused everyone around me (both Huskies & cougs) to bolt following the final outcome.
As for my attitude towards the cougs, I at this junction in my life, am not sorry. At some point you have to stand for something, and by god, if it's only for your team, then so be it. Whatever I become in life, I will die a Husky, and I will hate the cougs. Perhaps that's what it should read on my epitaph:
He lived and died a Husky, in spirit bold and brave, and will forever hate the cougers, even from the grave.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Seriously, are you Serious?
In light of the debacle that the Husky football team has become and Willingham's comments regarding thus, I present to you today the House Calls/SNL segment; Seriously, Willingham, are you Serious?
Firstly, the 'Ham's comments after the Apple Cup (courtesy of the Seattle Times):
Willingham refuses to accept complete responsibility for this disaster, however.
We haven't won a game in over a year and will go completely winless for the first time in program history, but you're going to blame someone who coached 5 or 6 years ago? Seriously.
It's not like you had 4 years to recruit and train and coach to try and win, I dunno, ONE GAME, just to show what kind of progress you've made. But because of Gilbertson and Neuheisel, you didn't stand a chance. Seriously, are you serious?
Let's overlook the fact that some key players had injuries. You've still managed to become the only winless team in Division 1 football. Are. You. Serious?
You lost to the Cougars, who hadn't beaten a D1 opponent and were statistically worse than your team. Reall-wait-ughgh, ok. I just threw up. Seriously? You can't be serious. Are you serious?
You lost to the Cougars, who-ah crap. I just threw up again. Seriously.
So winning 2.75 games a year for 4 years is a process? Seriously? What was to be the end result of this process? An even 3? Really.
You were paid how much to accomplish this? 7 figures? Are you serious? More than a million dollars, to win, let's see, no games! None! Seriously! No one's ever done that before while making that much, not in the history of college football. Were you also running AIG?
Seriously, you can't be serious. Really?
Firstly, the 'Ham's comments after the Apple Cup (courtesy of the Seattle Times):
Willingham refuses to accept complete responsibility for this disaster, however.
"Obviously, if you're the head coach at this time, you take responsibility for what's going on," he said. "But it should also be noted, the day that I arrived, what the state of the program was. I take responsibility for where we're at, but there's also a process."
In other words, blame me, but remember to blame former coach Keith Gilbertson and maybe even Rick Neuheisel, too.
We haven't won a game in over a year and will go completely winless for the first time in program history, but you're going to blame someone who coached 5 or 6 years ago? Seriously.
It's not like you had 4 years to recruit and train and coach to try and win, I dunno, ONE GAME, just to show what kind of progress you've made. But because of Gilbertson and Neuheisel, you didn't stand a chance. Seriously, are you serious?
Let's overlook the fact that some key players had injuries. You've still managed to become the only winless team in Division 1 football. Are. You. Serious?
You lost to the Cougars, who hadn't beaten a D1 opponent and were statistically worse than your team. Reall-wait-ughgh, ok. I just threw up. Seriously? You can't be serious. Are you serious?
You lost to the Cougars, who-ah crap. I just threw up again. Seriously.
So winning 2.75 games a year for 4 years is a process? Seriously? What was to be the end result of this process? An even 3? Really.
You were paid how much to accomplish this? 7 figures? Are you serious? More than a million dollars, to win, let's see, no games! None! Seriously! No one's ever done that before while making that much, not in the history of college football. Were you also running AIG?
Seriously, you can't be serious. Really?
The Seattle Sloppy Seconds
Little update on the newSonics (I refuse to call them by the ridiculous OKC name). So far, they're worse than last year, PJ is out, and now the loyal, rabid, delusional fans are booing their brand new team. Nice. Glad it's all working out for you guys.
That honeymoon was over quick.
Also, another tidbit on Spencer Hawes, the one and done center for the Huskies a couple years back. This is from last month, so I'll look around to see if his play has improved at all, but... Pretty much everything I said at the time to anyone who would listen is still ringing true. I wish him the best, but seriously dude, you should have stayed in school.
That honeymoon was over quick.
Also, another tidbit on Spencer Hawes, the one and done center for the Huskies a couple years back. This is from last month, so I'll look around to see if his play has improved at all, but... Pretty much everything I said at the time to anyone who would listen is still ringing true. I wish him the best, but seriously dude, you should have stayed in school.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Clash of the Titans
In honor (or shame) of today's Apple Cup, a video for your enjoyment. Also, an ESPN article detailing all of the worst matchups in sports history, with rotten apple ratings for each. Good god, this is going to be something.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Football is for morons
Good heavens y'all. It's a wonder I haven't been dummified by the incessant idiocy peddled as insight by football commentators. It's been pummeled into my psyche almost to the point of programming. My own critical thought process compulsively dry heaves in response to the blathering dribble spouted every weekend during seemingly every game. It's ridiculous. I understand that professional sports shouldn't command our collective attention as much as it does, and shouldn't be rewarded in the manner it is, but I'm still suckered in as much as the next armchair quarterback and will be till the day I die. Or until the NFL decides to rip away our local franchise like the NBA did the Sonics.
Without fail, the NFL is a bastion of the past in regards to (apparently) coaches, coordinators, owners, networks, and most glaringly, game announcers. I read recently that nothing terribly progressive has been introduced to the League since the 70's. A few rule changes here and there, HD, and a behind the scenes conspiracy by the Manning Family to rule the universe, but other than that, nothing to speak of. If the game is played the same way, then by Favre, let it be called the same way!
Let's have none of this questioning of owners, coaches, officials. No serious insight into why a team continues to lose without changing the game plan or personnel, no investigating into why a team continues to win despite having average athletes. No big picture analysis of games or seasons. Just play by play by play breakdowns consisting of repeating exactly what just happened while drawing on a teleprompter. Oh yes! And by all means, a sideline reporter! These solemn, or clownish, depending on the character, bench journalists bring only the most sought after revelations to the screen, asking such inspired questions like, "Coach, what adjustments will you make in the 2nd half?" and, "What does it mean to have so and so back from injury?" also, "What's your game plan for beating the Lions today?"
Sometimes they bounce around in the end zone before a game and mimic actual football players, or crack wise on the costumes of the crazy, rabid, loud, etc. fans around them. Often they bring to light the customary habits of regional tailgaters or local cuisine. Hey, did you know they eat cheese and brats in Wisconsin? No fucking way. In Philadelphia, they eat nothing but cheese steaks. In Seattle, they do nothing but throw fish back and forth, whilst cheering. Had we not someone to tell and show us this every Sunday we would not only forget, we would probably Not. Even. Know. in the first place.
But while I view sideline reporters the same way I view NASCAR, that is, not incredibly necessary and entirely too repetitive, I detest the majority of TV network game announcers, major, minor and otherwise. If at any point of any game at any time in the season I am led to believe that I and an untrained monkey could effectively translate the action onscreen to millions of home viewers then someone is not doing their job. Peppering their observations with such colloquial metaphors like "Running downhill," "Smashmouth football," "Explosive abilities," and "Gunslinger," game announcers have become caricatures of themselves.
I've been watching football since I can remember, and it seems to my unscientific memory that announcers haven't evolved one skinny bit from my childhood in regards to how they dissect a game. Even dissect is too strong a word. Most of these media wannabes just regurgitate exactly what occurred, and occasionally throw in some bountiful tidbit they gleaned from their stat sheets or a quick chat with some team official. This mindless "analysis" has led me and some of my game watching cronies to posit that we could offer a much more entertaining version of a game cast on any given Sunday. Since it isn't necessary to have a rudimentary understanding of the English language, NFL rules, or critical thought, there is no reason on God's green earth that we couldn't call a football game as poorly as anyone on CBS' or FOX's payroll.
In fact, I dare say that our commentary would, in effect, revolutionize commentary and significantly raise the entertainment bar. Herein I propose Mystery Science Football 3000 as a viable, vibrant alternative to the stale and vanilla product currently on TV. An in-game, semi-sober reaction to both the game and the network announcers. This uncensored stream of consciousness banter between 3 or 4 analysts would not only be highly entertaining, it would be no less informative than the current version.
You see, we too have ESPN.com, and can view up-to-the-minute stats as well as player histories and injury reports. Perhaps in time we could even find a way to draw on the screen. If anyone wants to test dry erase markers on your TV, let me know how that works. We might incorporate it even if it doesn't wipe off, who knows.
Humor coupled with no-nonsense evaluations of the refereeing and play calling will be the hallmark of our commentary. I believe ABC tried this with Dennis Miller once, and since that failed miserably we'll be doomed to a lifetime of idiot former players and coaches like Aikman and Madden. On a side note, I should say that I enjoy Madden, much like I enjoy grainy martial arts films with Spanish voice-overs. Everything sounds the same, looks hilarious and remains entertaining even though most of it is completely unintelligible. Madden analyzing fight scenes from old kung fu films would be the single greatest show in television history:
(While drawing onscreen) "So this guy here, he gets mad at this guy cuz this guy killed his coach, right? So the guy with no coach jumps up and kicks him in the face here, BOOM! Like that see. And then he gets down and BOOM! Kicks him a couple more times, and then twirls around a little bit right here and then knocks the guy out. And now he can take over the dojo or whatever, and be the new coach. What I don't get is why they're all wearing pajamas."
We would be able to second guess every play call while referencing why the same call didn't work the past 18 times Herm Edwards called it. Our analysis would be influenced by a lifetime of fandom and when our teams aren't playing, objectivity. Our objectivity would different than professional objectivity because we're not getting paid by the same people who are presenting the games. There would be no mind-numbingly painful demonstrations of guys in suits re-enacting a quarterback sneak or a cover 2. We could toss around overused metaphors with more than a hint of sarcasm, and offer up Maddenesque observations that noone else in the room would have to try and take seriously before responding to.
All in all, no matter the game, 3 hours with the Mystery Science Football 3000 team would be infinitely more entertaining than the drivel you have watch now. Not only would our commentary on the game, announcers, and even commercials keep you entertained, rest assured that you would be no less informed had you stuck with the same ol', same ol,' and immeasurably less annoyed.
All props to Money for the MSF3000 idea.
New term: Dummified; meaning to be put into a vegetable-like state after a repeated barrage of incredibly stupid analysis and football metaphors over a period of time.
Without fail, the NFL is a bastion of the past in regards to (apparently) coaches, coordinators, owners, networks, and most glaringly, game announcers. I read recently that nothing terribly progressive has been introduced to the League since the 70's. A few rule changes here and there, HD, and a behind the scenes conspiracy by the Manning Family to rule the universe, but other than that, nothing to speak of. If the game is played the same way, then by Favre, let it be called the same way!
Let's have none of this questioning of owners, coaches, officials. No serious insight into why a team continues to lose without changing the game plan or personnel, no investigating into why a team continues to win despite having average athletes. No big picture analysis of games or seasons. Just play by play by play breakdowns consisting of repeating exactly what just happened while drawing on a teleprompter. Oh yes! And by all means, a sideline reporter! These solemn, or clownish, depending on the character, bench journalists bring only the most sought after revelations to the screen, asking such inspired questions like, "Coach, what adjustments will you make in the 2nd half?" and, "What does it mean to have so and so back from injury?" also, "What's your game plan for beating the Lions today?"
Sometimes they bounce around in the end zone before a game and mimic actual football players, or crack wise on the costumes of the crazy, rabid, loud, etc. fans around them. Often they bring to light the customary habits of regional tailgaters or local cuisine. Hey, did you know they eat cheese and brats in Wisconsin? No fucking way. In Philadelphia, they eat nothing but cheese steaks. In Seattle, they do nothing but throw fish back and forth, whilst cheering. Had we not someone to tell and show us this every Sunday we would not only forget, we would probably Not. Even. Know. in the first place.
But while I view sideline reporters the same way I view NASCAR, that is, not incredibly necessary and entirely too repetitive, I detest the majority of TV network game announcers, major, minor and otherwise. If at any point of any game at any time in the season I am led to believe that I and an untrained monkey could effectively translate the action onscreen to millions of home viewers then someone is not doing their job. Peppering their observations with such colloquial metaphors like "Running downhill," "Smashmouth football," "Explosive abilities," and "Gunslinger," game announcers have become caricatures of themselves.
I've been watching football since I can remember, and it seems to my unscientific memory that announcers haven't evolved one skinny bit from my childhood in regards to how they dissect a game. Even dissect is too strong a word. Most of these media wannabes just regurgitate exactly what occurred, and occasionally throw in some bountiful tidbit they gleaned from their stat sheets or a quick chat with some team official. This mindless "analysis" has led me and some of my game watching cronies to posit that we could offer a much more entertaining version of a game cast on any given Sunday. Since it isn't necessary to have a rudimentary understanding of the English language, NFL rules, or critical thought, there is no reason on God's green earth that we couldn't call a football game as poorly as anyone on CBS' or FOX's payroll.
In fact, I dare say that our commentary would, in effect, revolutionize commentary and significantly raise the entertainment bar. Herein I propose Mystery Science Football 3000 as a viable, vibrant alternative to the stale and vanilla product currently on TV. An in-game, semi-sober reaction to both the game and the network announcers. This uncensored stream of consciousness banter between 3 or 4 analysts would not only be highly entertaining, it would be no less informative than the current version.
You see, we too have ESPN.com, and can view up-to-the-minute stats as well as player histories and injury reports. Perhaps in time we could even find a way to draw on the screen. If anyone wants to test dry erase markers on your TV, let me know how that works. We might incorporate it even if it doesn't wipe off, who knows.
Humor coupled with no-nonsense evaluations of the refereeing and play calling will be the hallmark of our commentary. I believe ABC tried this with Dennis Miller once, and since that failed miserably we'll be doomed to a lifetime of idiot former players and coaches like Aikman and Madden. On a side note, I should say that I enjoy Madden, much like I enjoy grainy martial arts films with Spanish voice-overs. Everything sounds the same, looks hilarious and remains entertaining even though most of it is completely unintelligible. Madden analyzing fight scenes from old kung fu films would be the single greatest show in television history:
(While drawing onscreen) "So this guy here, he gets mad at this guy cuz this guy killed his coach, right? So the guy with no coach jumps up and kicks him in the face here, BOOM! Like that see. And then he gets down and BOOM! Kicks him a couple more times, and then twirls around a little bit right here and then knocks the guy out. And now he can take over the dojo or whatever, and be the new coach. What I don't get is why they're all wearing pajamas."
We would be able to second guess every play call while referencing why the same call didn't work the past 18 times Herm Edwards called it. Our analysis would be influenced by a lifetime of fandom and when our teams aren't playing, objectivity. Our objectivity would different than professional objectivity because we're not getting paid by the same people who are presenting the games. There would be no mind-numbingly painful demonstrations of guys in suits re-enacting a quarterback sneak or a cover 2. We could toss around overused metaphors with more than a hint of sarcasm, and offer up Maddenesque observations that noone else in the room would have to try and take seriously before responding to.
All in all, no matter the game, 3 hours with the Mystery Science Football 3000 team would be infinitely more entertaining than the drivel you have watch now. Not only would our commentary on the game, announcers, and even commercials keep you entertained, rest assured that you would be no less informed had you stuck with the same ol', same ol,' and immeasurably less annoyed.
All props to Money for the MSF3000 idea.
New term: Dummified; meaning to be put into a vegetable-like state after a repeated barrage of incredibly stupid analysis and football metaphors over a period of time.
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