I woke up this morning to the news that Paul Wulff, the coach of the cougars, will be returning next year. Congratulations all around! This is like winning the Apple Cup twice in one weekend. If you didn't know, he's 5-32 as the cougars head coach.
I believe only 3 of those wins are against division I teams, including the winless Huskies 2 years ago. In spite of this, WSU feels like Wulff gives them the best chance to "Win championships." I'm not exactly sure which championships they are referring to.
Perhaps a soap box derby championship. Or an eating championship. Maybe they'll wise up, drop out of division I and go for a division III or high school championship. There's a lot of championships out there, that's for sure. I for one am very much excited about their possibilities.
Asked if the team supports Wulff, junior offensive lineman B.J. Guerra said, "Coach Wulff has grown on us all over the past three years."
It's Apple Cup week, which turns my attention every year to the fact that our wonderful in-state rivalry game has the stupidest name in sports.
Actually, Dick Trickle probably has the stupidest name in sports, but I don't think he's driving anymore and I don't really consider nascar a sport.
But seriously, the Apple Cup? It reeks of university presidents somewhere back in time checking names off a list of Washington exports. Maybe we could have had the salmon cup, or the onion cup, or the tree cup. Even the trophy is lame. It looks like a headstone for a dead apple. Plenty of other rivalries have much better names including: the Iron Bowl, the Backyard Brawl, the Border War, and even though I hate to admit it, the Civil War. Of course, the winner of the Civil War gets the Platypus Trophy, which has to be stupidest, ugliest, most embarrassing prize in the history of mankind, so I suppose it balances out.
Really though, it resembles a 6th grader's 3rd place entry in woodshop. Like it was made by a drunk Helen Keller. Like a wood poop. I almost feel bad for the winner.
I propose we hold a contest to re-name this thing, and no pansy-ass, political state-centric ideas will be accepted. Maybe the City vs. the Bumpkins Game, or the Annual cougar Beat Down, or something. Anything is better than what we have right now, which sounds more like the apple juice in a sippy cup contest than a bitter rivalry.
I know this is a week late, but I'm still boiling over it. The wazzoo yahoos beat a JV girls volleyball team. Maybe it was the freshman squad, or some of the JV girls had a slumber party the night before and got injured in a pillow fight over a Twilight argument, I dunno.
Anyway, freakin cougs. Really? You beat a Pac-10 team? Really? I suppose I should be more angry at Oregon State. Thanks for nothin, beavs. From hence, your name shall never be capitalized again. You have given up the honor of a capital letter in front of "eavers."
Can I be too disappointed? I mean, their mascot is a wood-eating wannabe marmot with a tail that looks like a dead belt. What the hell guys? What committee of epic geniuses decided this would make an inspiring sports representative? I thought my high school mascot was bad.
Quick fun fact: Did you know the beavs were a ranked team when the Huskies beat them in double OT this year? Yes, you heard correctly, the buck-toothed water lemmings had a national ranking less than 5 weeks ago. I'm not sure what this says about our team, or the expert analystical types who got fooled by a JV girls volleyball squad.
At least the Huskies put the smack down on the Bruins. See? Bruins is still capitalized. They even beat Texas. They also beat the cougs, which everybody and their stepmom was doing quite easily until the raggedy-ass soggybottom wombats showed the world what frauds they really are.
What gives me pleasure this fall, what with every team in Seattle either dead, gone, or both? That the cougs still suck too.
It's small comfort, and petty, but it's like a hot cup of cocoa on a snowy day. No matter how bad the Mariners, Seahawks, Huskies or my fantasy team get, the cougs are there to remind everyone that they're worse. Much worse. Warm, comforting cup of milk before bedtime with dreams of sugarplums in your head worse. It's nice, really.
Also, I have neglected my annual "Can the cougs beat a JV girls volleyball team" column. The answer is still no. They did keep it close with Cal this weekend, but still, no. Not unless the JV girls volleyball team is from Montana State, then possibly yes, but really, no.
Thank you, cougs, for making this decrepit sports season bearable. Barely.
Nope. Not anymore. Not when they can only muster 158 total yards. Yes, you read that correctly, 158 total yards, and just 51 yards passing. Ha! 51. Good grief.
How many first downs did they get, you ask? Four. Four first downs. Way to go wazzoos, you just got spiked on by a J.V. girls volleyball team.
They had 3 more turnovers, making their total 16 through 5 games. Good times. That comes out to 1 every 5 minutes, I believe. Let's start the Wulff watch right about yesterday, shall we? As in, how long before Paul Wulff gets shown the door to the cow paddy with nothing but a big blank spot in his resume?
Sorry, dear readers, for the lapse. I was in Canada, getting engaged. This, apparently, is what you do while in Canada.
Back to the cougs. Last week against an actual jv girls volleyball team, Southern Methodist, the cougs had to come from behind in the 4th quarter and pulled out a victory in overtime. So technically, yes, the cougs can beat a j.v.g.v.t. Good job cougs. Barely.
This week against USC, the cougs could not amass more than 6 points, which was 6 better than last year's total. USC is not the same team as last year, but they didn't exactly sweat it out against the wazzus, so this week's summation? WSU can no longer beat a j.v.g.v.t.
Oh, how fleeting this gridiron glory.
Next up, the Ducks, who are most certainly NOT a j.v.g.v.t. At least this year. Should be embarrassing.
I'm going to start a new weekly column titled, "Can the cougars beat a JV girls volleyball team?" where I will pose and try to answer the question, "Can the cougars beat a JV girls volleyball team?"
Tonight, dear reader, the answer is no. Sadly, if you're a cougar fan. Of course, if you are a cougar fan, why are you reading this? I have also determined not to capitalize the word cougar(s) until they show they can beat a JV girls volleyball team, which might be a while.
Today, the cougars came to Qwest to play a Hawaii team that supposedly was one of two possibly winnable games on their schedule. Seriously? The lower-case c's were down 35-6 at the half. The other game is next week against Southern Methodist, who hasn't won a game versus a Pac-10 team since before Methodists were invented.
I made up that last statement because I didn't feel like doing the research. You get the point, though. The cougars are so bad that Ohio State payed them $450,000 to get out of their match so they could play USC, a real college football team. Yes, you read that correctly. OSU payed the wazzus four hundred and fifty thousand American dollars NOT to play them (in real money!), as it would have made the Buckeyes look bad. They probably could have payed in Busch Light and received a satisfactory response.
In effect, the Buckeyes were saying loud and clear that they do not feel the cougars can beat a JV girls volleyball team. If the Buckeyes, a very smart and powerful actual college football team are saying it, I have no alternative but to agree with them. Even though they suck in large bowl games.
Let me begin by saying, I hate the cougars. Hate them. I can not understand Husky "fans" who say they root for the cougs as long as they're not playing UW. WSU fans would never say this. Coug fans seem to be more rabid because A: There is NOTHING in Pullman but cow turds and cougar football, for a long time these being synonomous, this year especially, and B: They have always been the underdog, and the underdog's fans, while usually destitute of hope, are fanatics in regards to their team. There is at least one bar in Pullman I've read about where Husky fans are not allowed in. You will never experience this in Seattle.
I won't go into the ways Husky fans seemed to be out-rooted often times by cougs. It's enough to say we've always looked down on them, and for good reason. I detest them because they exist. I, who recently have been trying to mature, emotionally and otherwise, and grow out of such childish reactions caused by wins and losses, still can't hardly type or utter the "c" word because I hate them so much. I'm serious.
I have an immediate negative gut reaction for every bumper sticker, hitch ornament, window logo, car flag, license plate holder, jacket, or hat I see with the red university lettering. I can't stand it. I'm trying to be a better person, more thankful and aware, wishing blessings on people instead of curses, but I am a neanderthal when it comes to wsu. I don't even want to type the letters in upper-case. I'm sure this will sully my reputation with both of the people who read this blog, but it is what it is.
So understanding this, I am presenting the following video, which was put together by a coug, as one of the best things I've ever seen regarding my feelings on Husky football over the recent past. The irony is not lost on me, people. This reinterpretation of 2004 German film "Der Untergang" is downright brilliant, because IT'S EXACTLY HOW I FELT AFTER THIS YEAR'S APPLE CUP. The fact that it stars Hitler as a Husky fan is a testament to just how far we've, and I as a fan , have fallen. This entire scene played out in my mind as I sat there in the Ram bar alone, after my demonstrative reactions caused everyone around me (both Huskies & cougs) to bolt following the final outcome.
As for my attitude towards the cougs, I at this junction in my life, am not sorry. At some point you have to stand for something, and by god, if it's only for your team, then so be it. Whatever I become in life, I will die a Husky, and I will hate the cougs. Perhaps that's what it should read on my epitaph:
He lived and died a Husky, in spirit bold and brave, and will forever hate the cougers, even from the grave.
In honor (or shame) of today's Apple Cup, a video for your enjoyment. Also, an ESPN article detailing all of the worst matchups in sports history, with rotten apple ratings for each. Good god, this is going to be something.
