Football is for morons

Good heavens y'all. It's a wonder I haven't been dummified by the incessant idiocy peddled as insight by football commentators. It's been pummeled into my psyche almost to the point of programming. My own critical thought process compulsively dry heaves in response to the blathering dribble spouted every weekend during seemingly every game. It's ridiculous. I understand that professional sports shouldn't command our collective attention as much as it does, and shouldn't be rewarded in the manner it is, but I'm still suckered in as much as the next armchair quarterback and will be till the day I die. Or until the NFL decides to rip away our local franchise like the NBA did the Sonics.

Without fail, the NFL is a bastion of the past in regards to (apparently) coaches, coordinators, owners, networks, and most glaringly, game announcers. I read recently that nothing terribly progressive has been introduced to the League since the 70's. A few rule changes here and there, HD, and a behind the scenes conspiracy by the Manning Family to rule the universe, but other than that, nothing to speak of. If the game is played the same way, then by Favre, let it be called the same way!

Let's have none of this questioning of owners, coaches, officials. No serious insight into why a team continues to lose without changing the game plan or personnel, no investigating into why a team continues to win despite having average athletes. No big picture analysis of games or seasons. Just play by play by play breakdowns consisting of repeating exactly what just happened while drawing on a teleprompter. Oh yes! And by all means, a sideline reporter! These solemn, or clownish, depending on the character, bench journalists bring only the most sought after revelations to the screen, asking such inspired questions like, "Coach, what adjustments will you make in the 2nd half?" and, "What does it mean to have so and so back from injury?" also, "What's your game plan for beating the Lions today?"

Sometimes they bounce around in the end zone before a game and mimic actual football players, or crack wise on the costumes of the crazy, rabid, loud, etc. fans around them. Often they bring to light the customary habits of regional tailgaters or local cuisine. Hey, did you know they eat cheese and brats in Wisconsin? No fucking way. In Philadelphia, they eat nothing but cheese steaks. In Seattle, they do nothing but throw fish back and forth, whilst cheering. Had we not someone to tell and show us this every Sunday we would not only forget, we would probably Not. Even. Know. in the first place.

But while I view sideline reporters the same way I view NASCAR, that is, not incredibly necessary and entirely too repetitive, I detest the majority of TV network game announcers, major, minor and otherwise. If at any point of any game at any time in the season I am led to believe that I and an untrained monkey could effectively translate the action onscreen to millions of home viewers then someone is not doing their job. Peppering their observations with such colloquial metaphors like "Running downhill," "Smashmouth football," "Explosive abilities," and "Gunslinger," game announcers have become caricatures of themselves.

I've been watching football since I can remember, and it seems to my unscientific memory that announcers haven't evolved one skinny bit from my childhood in regards to how they dissect a game. Even dissect is too strong a word. Most of these media wannabes just regurgitate exactly what occurred, and occasionally throw in some bountiful tidbit they gleaned from their stat sheets or a quick chat with some team official. This mindless "analysis" has led me and some of my game watching cronies to posit that we could offer a much more entertaining version of a game cast on any given Sunday. Since it isn't necessary to have a rudimentary understanding of the English language, NFL rules, or critical thought, there is no reason on God's green earth that we couldn't call a football game as poorly as anyone on CBS' or FOX's payroll.

In fact, I dare say that our commentary would, in effect, revolutionize commentary and significantly raise the entertainment bar. Herein I propose Mystery Science Football 3000 as a viable, vibrant alternative to the stale and vanilla product currently on TV. An in-game, semi-sober reaction to both the game and the network announcers. This uncensored stream of consciousness banter between 3 or 4 analysts would not only be highly entertaining, it would be no less informative than the current version.

You see, we too have ESPN.com, and can view up-to-the-minute stats as well as player histories and injury reports. Perhaps in time we could even find a way to draw on the screen. If anyone wants to test dry erase markers on your TV, let me know how that works. We might incorporate it even if it doesn't wipe off, who knows.

Humor coupled with no-nonsense evaluations of the refereeing and play calling will be the hallmark of our commentary. I believe ABC tried this with Dennis Miller once, and since that failed miserably we'll be doomed to a lifetime of idiot former players and coaches like Aikman and Madden. On a side note, I should say that I enjoy Madden, much like I enjoy grainy martial arts films with Spanish voice-overs. Everything sounds the same, looks hilarious and remains entertaining even though most of it is completely unintelligible. Madden analyzing fight scenes from old kung fu films would be the single greatest show in television history:

(While drawing onscreen) "So this guy here, he gets mad at this guy cuz this guy killed his coach, right? So the guy with no coach jumps up and kicks him in the face here, BOOM! Like that see. And then he gets down and BOOM! Kicks him a couple more times, and then twirls around a little bit right here and then knocks the guy out. And now he can take over the dojo or whatever, and be the new coach. What I don't get is why they're all wearing pajamas."

We would be able to second guess every play call while referencing why the same call didn't work the past 18 times Herm Edwards called it. Our analysis would be influenced by a lifetime of fandom and when our teams aren't playing, objectivity. Our objectivity would different than professional objectivity because we're not getting paid by the same people who are presenting the games. There would be no mind-numbingly painful demonstrations of guys in suits re-enacting a quarterback sneak or a cover 2. We could toss around overused metaphors with more than a hint of sarcasm, and offer up Maddenesque observations that noone else in the room would have to try and take seriously before responding to.

All in all, no matter the game, 3 hours with the Mystery Science Football 3000 team would be infinitely more entertaining than the drivel you have watch now. Not only would our commentary on the game, announcers, and even commercials keep you entertained, rest assured that you would be no less informed had you stuck with the same ol', same ol,' and immeasurably less annoyed.

All props to Money for the MSF3000 idea.

New term: Dummified; meaning to be put into a vegetable-like state after a repeated barrage of incredibly stupid analysis and football metaphors over a period of time.