Good news everyone!

I woke up this morning to the news that Paul Wulff, the coach of the cougars, will be returning next year. Congratulations all around! This is like winning the Apple Cup twice in one weekend. If you didn't know, he's 5-32 as the cougars head coach.

I believe only 3 of those wins are against division I teams, including the winless Huskies 2 years ago. In spite of this, WSU feels like Wulff gives them the best chance to "Win championships." I'm not exactly sure which championships they are referring to.

Perhaps a soap box derby championship. Or an eating championship. Maybe they'll wise up, drop out of division I and go for a division III or high school championship. There's a lot of championships out there, that's for sure. I for one am very much excited about their possibilities.

Asked if the team supports Wulff, junior offensive lineman B.J. Guerra said, "Coach Wulff has grown on us all over the past three years."

Me too, B.J. Guerra, me too.

Apple Juice Cup

It's Apple Cup week, which turns my attention every year to the fact that our wonderful in-state rivalry game has the stupidest name in sports.

Actually, Dick Trickle probably has the stupidest name in sports, but I don't think he's driving anymore and I don't really consider nascar a sport.

But seriously, the Apple Cup? It reeks of university presidents somewhere back in time checking names off a list of Washington exports. Maybe we could have had the salmon cup, or the onion cup, or the tree cup. Even the trophy is lame. It looks like a headstone for a dead apple. Plenty of other rivalries have much better names including: the Iron Bowl, the Backyard Brawl, the Border War, and even though I hate to admit it, the Civil War. Of course, the winner of the Civil War gets the Platypus Trophy, which has to be stupidest, ugliest, most embarrassing prize in the history of mankind, so I suppose it balances out. 

Really though, it resembles a 6th grader's 3rd place entry in woodshop. Like it was made by a drunk Helen Keller. Like a wood poop. I almost feel bad for the winner.

Granted, there are some pretty weak parties out there: the Battle for the Milk Can, The Battle of the Land Grants (really?), and the Crab Bowl Classic, but the Apple Cup just sounds blasé, bland, uninspired. Hell, the Army-Navy game has a nicer ring to it. You can find more not-so-awesome names here.

I propose we hold a contest to re-name this thing, and no pansy-ass, political state-centric ideas will be accepted. Maybe the City vs. the Bumpkins Game, or the Annual cougar Beat Down, or something. Anything is better than what we have right now, which sounds more like the apple juice in a sippy cup contest than a bitter rivalry.

The beavers have lost my respect, and their capitals.

I know this is a week late, but I'm still boiling over it. The wazzoo yahoos beat a JV girls volleyball team. Maybe it was the freshman squad, or some of the JV girls had a slumber party the night before and got injured in a pillow fight over a Twilight argument, I dunno.

Anyway, freakin cougs. Really? You beat a Pac-10 team? Really? I suppose I should be more angry at Oregon State. Thanks for nothin, beavs. From hence, your name shall never be capitalized again. You have given up the honor of a capital letter in front of "eavers."

Can I be too disappointed? I mean, their mascot is a wood-eating wannabe marmot with a tail that looks like a dead belt. What the hell guys? What committee of epic geniuses decided this would make an inspiring sports representative? I thought my high school mascot was bad.

Quick fun fact: Did you know the beavs were a ranked team when the Huskies beat them in double OT this year? Yes, you heard correctly, the buck-toothed water lemmings had a national ranking less than 5 weeks ago. I'm not sure what this says about our team, or the expert analystical types who got fooled by a JV girls volleyball squad.

At least the Huskies put the smack down on the Bruins. See? Bruins is still capitalized. They even beat Texas. They also beat the cougs, which everybody and their stepmom was doing quite easily until the raggedy-ass soggybottom wombats showed the world what frauds they really are.

Jeez.

The cougars are so bad, it's good.

What gives me pleasure this fall, what with every team in Seattle either dead, gone, or both? That the cougs still suck too.

It's small comfort, and petty, but it's like a hot cup of cocoa on a snowy day. No matter how bad the Mariners, Seahawks, Huskies or my fantasy team get, the cougs are there to remind everyone that they're worse. Much worse. Warm, comforting cup of milk before bedtime with dreams of sugarplums in your head worse. It's nice, really.

Also, I have neglected my annual "Can the cougs beat a JV girls volleyball team" column. The answer is still no. They did keep it close with Cal this weekend, but still, no. Not unless the JV girls volleyball team is from Montana State, then possibly yes, but really, no.

Thank you, cougs, for making this decrepit sports season bearable. Barely.

Great story on Price

I had to re-post this Jerry Brewer article on Keith Price's day at Oregano, I mean Oregon. Two things I liked about it; First, Price's attitude, and second, Brewer's oh-so-accurate comment on Locker's tenure as a Husky. Yes, the following about sums it up...

"And so life without Jake Locker looked a lot like life with Jake Locker, which looked a lot like life immediately before Jake Locker."

Ouch, and dang.

Santa over Seahawks

Watching the Seahawks begs the question: what else could I be doing with my time?

You see, I do enjoy watching football, but the Seahawks don't really play football. They play a grown up version of tag, where no one tries to score and everybody runs around yelling and falling over themselves. If they did play football I would be way more interested, but as it is there hasn't been a whole lot of return on investment for my interest. Some players can be entertaining like Marshawn Lynch, who has a very scary last name and hits people like a drunk truck, but on the whole, meh.

We have a QB who is an old, bald, broken spokesperson for healthy bracelets, and a backup QB who apparently has more facial hair than talent.

You know what's interesting? Other teams, bunny rabbits, and commercials with fighting robots. I would love to have a fighting robot, I really would. I would use it to get parking spaces, free coffee, and Santa Claus. Not to beat up Santa mind you, but to make him take me to the North Pole to hang out with the elves and unicorns and drink cocoa and play with all the toys forever and ever.

You know what else is interesting? The graphic on the T.V. that says Hasselbeck: Inactive (head). I suppose if there is something wrong with your head you shouldn't be active.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Down goes Machida! and unfortunate tattoos

Some notes on UFC 113:

First off, my congrats to the fans of Shogun Rua after a decisive victory against the Dragon. It was hard to see Machida lose that way, but at least there won't be controversy this time around.

Secondly, Paul Daley acted like a little bitch. It's called mixed martial arts for a reason, genius, so grow a ground game or quit complaining. I don't know if a lifetime ban was needed for his cheapshot after the bell, but it's apparent he needs a little more maturity in all facets of his career.

I was also pleased to see Marcus Davis come out with a convincing win, and the Stout/Stephens fight was entertaining. I do, however, want a portion of my money back after sitting through the 2 round joke that is Kimbo Slice. Hopefully he won't be back.

One more note: to guys that get enormous face tattoos on their biceps...was it your intention to make it look like you're kissing another guy while choking him?

This is somewhat creepy, and/or unintentionally homohilarious. Yes, I just made up a word.

Seattle is the new USC

I haven't posted in a while, but I had to share this. I have no idea if Carroll will be any good up here, but at least he has some personality. I also can't believe he agreed to do this, but since he's been replaced already, why not?

I can't imagine Mora pulling this off. Or Holmgren, for that matter.