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Monday, March 23, 2009

Research is for suckers

My bracket this year sucks.

No thanks to Ken Pomeroy, Yahoo, Jeff Sagarin and the many hours I spent staring at RPI's, efficiency ratings and other apparently bogus crap. I knew I was screwed when I woke up Thursday morning to realize my bracket had no real upsets. All the favorites were favored, primarily because their stats were better than the lower seeded teams. Brilliant. Of course, now only the high seeds are left, except for Arizona (Screw you, Arizona!) so I might be ok.

Or I would be, had I not counted on West Virgina to get to the E8, because their stats were so pretty and made me think of unicorns.

I hate on West Virginia, I hate on them. Also on Wake Forest, and AZ State. I would like it to be known that if I were to make hate burgers, I would burn the hate meat, and drown them in hate ketchup and hate secret sauce until you would need a hate bowl just to eat them. Then they would probably give me indigestion and constipation all at the same time. FYI.

Also, I am in last place in a bracket challenge populated with friends and other people who I do not know. It helps me stay up at night thinking about strangers judging me on my sorry-ass bracket choices. I could not run for office with a bracket like this. I could not facebook, myspace, twitter, friendster, IM, gmail, yahoo, AOL, BFF, text, message board, speed date, spam or call anyone with a bracket like this, because I would be rejected based on my poor choices. My bracket children would be taken away, and I would be court-ordered to a rehab facility where I would shave my head, drive into parked cars, flash my punani, and marry a white backup dancer/wannabe rapper with a ridiculous name.

My one glimmer of hope stems from a Yahoo Tourney Pick 'em Scenario Generator that tells me if everything falls into place and all of my teams win from now on out, I will actually be crowned the champion of my bracket and all of the strangers in my bracket group will love me forever and buy all my albums.

Oh, YTPeSG, you wonderful magic gift from fairy land, you bring little tears of basketball joy to the upper part of my face. Tears that blind me to reality and make my bracket all fuzzy looking. I love you, YTPeSG, long time.

But I still hate West Virgina.

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