Hipster football players traded, look for new team-colored scarves

Two professional indie football players were swapped in a trade Thursday involving two first round draft picks and girl jeans. The players were ok with the trade, saying they traded for one another last year in their respective fantasy leagues.

"It's actually pretty def," said Jay Cutler, one of the players no one outside of Denver cares about, "I think despite my lack of facial hair, it's a good deal. I have a stack of underground 70's britpunk and Southern blues LP's, not to mention my closet full of ridiculous black vests, and I think that really upped my trade status."

Adding to the underwhelming nature of the deal it was noted that the trade actually took place last year, but no one noticed until today, including the players. Chicago Bears general manager Jerry Angelo related that he thought of the trade after realizing no one could tell the two quarterbacks apart, what with their unlaced hi-tops, 2 sizes too small leather jackets, shaggy hair and VW vans. "I thought, what the hell? I asked [Cutler's agent] Bus Cook to throw in a case of PBR and we called it a night. We thought someone would have figured it out by now."

Both players spent the day cutting demos in their girlfriend's basements and twittering. "I suppose I'd care more if it really made a difference, you know?" said Kyle Orton, puffing on a menthol, "But I'm busy catching up on my Kurosawa. Lates."

Football Obama Jesus

Sark as the coach, twitter

Do your things! Do them better!

Aaaaarrgh. Alright, I'm finally at a place where I can talk about the Huskies losing in the 2nd round. A game they should have won. A game they could have won, had a couple of things happened differently.

And by a couple of things, I mean 4.

#1: Justin Dentmon plays. Oh wait, you say he did play? He has 2 steals in the box score to prove it? He played 27 minutes and scored 5 points? Sheer lunacy! In my mind, the most improved player in the Pac-10 didn't even make the bus down to Portland. The first half of the season he's a candidate for P10 POY, and the last bit, most glaringly the NCAA Tourney, he disappears. Disappears! What the eff, man? What was he waiting for? One of 2 senior leaders on the team, and all I can remember is him subbing out periodically and not doing anything. Certainly not taking shots, driving into the lane and creating opportunities, or driving into the lane and taking shots.

This drove me absolutely nuts. The Miss. State game he didn't do anything either, but it wasn't a big deal cuz MISSISSISUSState was in over their heads. It did matter during the P10 tourney, and the Purdue game, when his leadership and shooting could have carried the Huskies into the title game and sweet 16 respectively. Instead, 3 other players made 64 out of 74 total points. 3 people! If he starts shooting, we win! Simple concept! You're not going to play in the NBA dude, so make the most of the time you have left! Shoot the damn ball! Shoot it! Aaaaaarrgh!

#2: REBOUND THE BASKETBALL! REBOUND IT! I must say, I was screaming at the tele every time Purdue blocked out and got the rebound, which was pretty much every time the Huskies shot it in the first half, as their shooting percentage was around -6. So imagine my utter shock when the final box score read Purdue: 34 rebounds, and Washington: 34 rebounds. Wait, that's not the game I remember. We even had 12 offensive rebounds to their 10. Brockman and Pondexter combined for 28 boards between them, which is a win any other night of the week, any place in the country. I think the stat sheet must have read like this: 1st half UW, 0 rebounds, 2nd half UW, 34 rebounds. This brings me to my next point, which is thus:

#3: The tale of 2 halves. In the first half, we were out rebounded, outworked, and outscored. The Dawgs couldn't buy a basket, couldn't grab a carom, couldn't stop the Purdue starters. We were outscored in the paint, for god's sakes. That never happens. All of the stats were slanted Purdue's way, and still I believed we would come back and win, however ugly it might have been. Hell, you saw the AZ State game, yes? Down by 21, the Huskies came back to take the lead! Unfortunately they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn the last 5 minutes of that game, but it showed they weren't talentless quitters.

In the 2nd half, we outscored, out rebounded, and for the most part outworked their guys. Even with the horrible officiating, and by horrible I mean real way bad wrong. The zebras didn't call crap under the basket when our guys got mauled, then called ticky-tack fouls on the perimeter. At least they were consistent, with 3 Purdue guys at 4 fouls apiece by the end of the game. It probably helped us get back in it, to tell the truth.

In the 2nd half we scored 46 points, and lost by 2. That's 4 short of 50! And we still lost. We ended up with a better FG% and lost. Two guys with double-doubles, and still lost. How many other teams out there have had 2 starters hit double-doubles and lost? I haven't done the research, but I'm guessing none. I mean, has that happened to anyone all year? Decade? Whatever.

#4: Martel Webster and Spencer Hawes. Screw you guys, and especially you, Hawes. Had either one of those guys stuck around, I say it's a much different story. Remember the Brockman/Hawes tandem? It was a force to be reckoned with, but more so for the quick bits that showed they could be unstoppable together when healthy. It was a glimpse into a future that could have been. When S.H. jumped ship -in my mind, way too early- for the mad money, that set us back. Brockman didn't have the supporting cast until this year to make the team seriously competitive. Same deal with Webster. Bros before cash, you money grubbing NBA hoes. You heard me.

Hawes even admitted this in a recent interview, saying the Huskies would have won it all this year had he stuck around. Ifs, ands or buts. You can't live what could have been, but you can get seriously upset thinking about it. The only upside to this is that I wouldn't have to kill myself had the Dawgs lost to UConn in the round of 16 again. I think my face would have exploded.

Research is for suckers

My bracket this year sucks.

No thanks to Ken Pomeroy, Yahoo, Jeff Sagarin and the many hours I spent staring at RPI's, efficiency ratings and other apparently bogus crap. I knew I was screwed when I woke up Thursday morning to realize my bracket had no real upsets. All the favorites were favored, primarily because their stats were better than the lower seeded teams. Brilliant. Of course, now only the high seeds are left, except for Arizona (Screw you, Arizona!) so I might be ok.

Or I would be, had I not counted on West Virgina to get to the E8, because their stats were so pretty and made me think of unicorns.

I hate on West Virginia, I hate on them. Also on Wake Forest, and AZ State. I would like it to be known that if I were to make hate burgers, I would burn the hate meat, and drown them in hate ketchup and hate secret sauce until you would need a hate bowl just to eat them. Then they would probably give me indigestion and constipation all at the same time. FYI.

Also, I am in last place in a bracket challenge populated with friends and other people who I do not know. It helps me stay up at night thinking about strangers judging me on my sorry-ass bracket choices. I could not run for office with a bracket like this. I could not facebook, myspace, twitter, friendster, IM, gmail, yahoo, AOL, BFF, text, message board, speed date, spam or call anyone with a bracket like this, because I would be rejected based on my poor choices. My bracket children would be taken away, and I would be court-ordered to a rehab facility where I would shave my head, drive into parked cars, flash my punani, and marry a white backup dancer/wannabe rapper with a ridiculous name.

My one glimmer of hope stems from a Yahoo Tourney Pick 'em Scenario Generator that tells me if everything falls into place and all of my teams win from now on out, I will actually be crowned the champion of my bracket and all of the strangers in my bracket group will love me forever and buy all my albums.

Oh, YTPeSG, you wonderful magic gift from fairy land, you bring little tears of basketball joy to the upper part of my face. Tears that blind me to reality and make my bracket all fuzzy looking. I love you, YTPeSG, long time.

But I still hate West Virgina.

Umm, what?

Kevin and Pat Williams of the Minnesota Vikings are getting suspended 4 games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Specifically, they took a supplement that included Bumetanide, a banned diuretic which could be used to mask steroids. Unfortunately for them, the substance wasn't listed on the bottle. The NFL doesn't want to budge on this issue, which is ridiculous. These guys weren't taking something to mask their steroid use, they didn't know the banned substance was even one of the ingredients. If they weren't aware they were taking something illegal, it's not rocket science to figure out they probably weren't taking it to mask steroid use.

FYI, they also tested negative for steroids.

Hmm. Sounds like the NFL realizes their policy has some major holes in it, and instead of fixing the problem, they would rather go down with the ship and take some innocent players with them. Not to mention the first place Vikings, vying for a playoff spot and needing their best DT and DL.

Not only is the steroid policy in need of an overhaul, NFL suspension policy in general could use a major makeover. Take, for instance, the following excerpt from the ESPN article on the Williamses' suspensions:

"On a personal level, it [stinks] for them. I know what they're going through," said defensive end Jared Allen, who served a two-game suspension last season in Kansas City after multiple DUI arrests. "That's why we're with them. We've got their back 100 percent."

Wait, what? This guy got a 2 game suspension after multiple DUI arrests? In the words of Amy Poehler: Seriously NFL, are you serious? So let me get this straight; you can drive drunk multiple times and get a suspension reduced to 2 games, but if you take a banned diuretic that you didn't even know existed to "mask" something you aren't even doing, you qualify for a 4 game suspension? You can read a little more about Mr. Allen and his DUI issues here.

Oh yeah, makes perfect sense.

And excuse me, but I can't think Jared Allen knows what they're going through. Allen is an alcoholic who hasn't been able to stop himself from driving drunk. Pat and Kevin Williams are guys who take weight loss supplements. Somehow, one seems worse than the other. According to the NFL, that would be the weight loss supplements.

Way to set an example.

Who's got next?

Who replaces the 'Ham at UW? My personal belief is that we should be recruiting SEC coaches Tuberville and Fulmer, especially as Fulmer doesn't have a job at Tennessee anymore. They both have proven track records winning and recruiting, a couple of things sorely lacking up here in the PaciNoW.

I've never been sold on this Mora business, because I don't feel that one successful year with the Falcons makes a wunderkind, and it seems that everyone's riding his hype trike since he's from the area. Yeah? I'm from the area too. Though I didn't play for the Huskies I attended school there, and could certainly do no worse than 0-12. Get on board, people, I announce my candidacy. Perhaps I could be a coordinator under what would be his underwhelming reign. Yeehaw.

Here's an interesting article on someone I've never heard of, Cal Poly’s Rich Ellerson. Worth a thought, but I don't see it happening.

I'm much more excited about the reports of Mike Leach touring the facilities over the past weekend. Good God, an actual successful coach, who's been competing against the likes of Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, OK state, Mizzou and Nebraska? Not just on the field, but in the recruiting game as well? If it were possible to salivate over coaching prospects, I would be. I hope this is the case, and Em-Ward can throw some decent money at him, because I've already bought my ticket on the Leach train, and I'd hate to be left standing on the platform if the Mora express takes off.

Dreaming about men doing things

A quick note on my fantasy football views, for all those interested. This year being my first in a fantasy league (Yahoo, which sucks balls), and while I've enjoyed my time, I've learned a few things.

Firstly, I care way too much about individual stats, opposing defenses, and whether or not a star player is getting along with his teammates in the locker room. All of this adds up to either wins or losses in the fantasy column, and highs or lows in the attitude column. Whereas I used to only be sad/depressed/disgusted when the Seahawks lost, I can now feel all of these things towards each and every individual player on my team when they don't perform, and compound the feeling if I lose my matchup because of this.

Secondly, I've discovered that I care a whole lot more about other football games. Before, they were just entertaining and another team only mattered if they were in the Seahawks' division. Now, I'm invested in every team I have a player on, making Sundays exponentially more exciting. Yes, I said exponentially.

Thirdly, I've tapped into the camaraderie shared by fantasy football (herein referred to as FF) players everywhere. Two out of three ain't bad.

An ESPN columnist wrote not long ago that he's certain FF has an infinitely more negative downside than positive, due to the fact that instead of rooting for just one team to win, you're focused on multiple players, increasing the variables and, for the glass half empty crowd, chances to lose. Add to the fact these variables increase one's difficulty in winning the league (you have a 1 in 8, 12, 0r 16 chance, whereas in the NFL your team has a 1 in 4 chance of winning the division, unless you're the Lions), and the frustration factor starts to climb onto the roof.

From this perspective, FF really isn't that sensible. I've been way too angry towards Favre, Moss, and Gore when they haven't performed this year, and conversely, pretty darn happy about Favre, Moss and Gore when they have. This brings up another point: Streaky, hit or miss kinds of players can wreak havoc on your sanity. Their upside is unlimited, but when they continually under perform, especially against statistically inferior teams, it's no-end-in-sight frustrating.

It also makes every week, every possession, way more meaningful than it's ever been. When you need someone's stats to pull ahead of your opponent, it's all about getting one specific player the ball, which is ridiculous for the overall strategy of a team game. You're basically rooting for something that is directly contradictory to winning, and therefore destined to be inherently maddening. It doesn't make sense, unless of course you like to gamble.

Conversely, if you're a positive thinker, there are just as many opportunities for things to go well. However, because life and football have conditioned us to expect to lose, most people will lean towards the negative in regards to FF. As I've had a few amazing last minute victories and am 1 win away from getting into the playoffs, I'm trying to stay positive. If, however, I were in last place I'm not so sure I would feel this way.

FF also has an ability to make someone certifiably crazy. People always harp on athletes for praising God for a win, or praying to beat someone. After 13 weeks in FF, I now know what this is like, and will never, EVER, make fun of an athlete with infinitely more on the line for praying in the closing minutes of a game. Last night I basically prayed for Steve Slaton to pull down 30 fantasy points, which I needed for a come from behind win. I didn't literally mouth the words to the great I Am, but I wished for it just as much as if I had actually written God a letter. And what happened? Slaton rolled to 30.2 points and I won to keep my playoff hopes alive. This isn't the first time this has happened, either.

And finally, now that I've come off as someone who lives in a padded room, I'll try to temper that by saying the best part of FF isn't the winning, it's the camaraderie. Or at least, it should be. In my league, I only know a couple of the guys, and no one trash talks, no one offers trades, no one rants about things, it's kind of lame. I was hoping for a lot more emailing back and forth, a bonding over numbers, if you will. Instead, it's allowed me to share the highs and lows with the guys I actually watch football with. What a concept. We might not be in the same league, but we're all going through the same emotions, sometimes with the same players. It adds to the fun, the suspense, the overall satisfaction I get from watching a game knowing we're all in the same metaphorical boat together. When Favre threw 6 touchdowns a few weeks back, I was sharing some overly joyous high fives with a buddy who also started him. And I really, REALLY don't care that much about Favre. In fact, he kind of annoys me.

So no matter what happens to me in my make-or-break head-to-head next week, I'll be signing up for FF next year. Perhaps even multiple leagues, if I have the time. But definitely not Yahoo.